May 5th, 2024

That was the day that I had my last conversation with my Father. I woke up early Sunday morning to get ready for work. At that time, I was working for a high brand retailer. I had my breakfast along with orange juice. I took a walk to the Transit Mall ( major bus stop ) which took me about thirty minutes walk there. I walk slow, and I still do. When I got there, I waited for about fifteen minutes for the bus to arrive. I killed some time by playing my games on my iPhone. When I got on the bus, I was in a gaze by looking out of the window. I told myself that I need to get on the train in the next few days or so. When the bus stop by my work, I step off and went to get my usual drink from Starbucks. After resting awhile at Starbucks, I went to work. At work, in the beginning, it was kind of slow, so I did some small projects here and there before it got busy. It got busy around noon. I did a lot of customer service that day. During my shift, I told myself that I was going to call my Father since it awhile that I last spoke to him. At that time, he was in and out of the hospital due to infection while he had his gallbladder removed. I had my lunch at Fire Wings. After my lunch, I went back to work. It was a roller coaster ride that afternoon. After work, I went to the bus stop and waited for my bus. I killed some time until the bus arrived.  When the bus dropped me off near my house. I called my Father, and we talked for about a good twenty minutes. We talked about baseball but mainly we talked about his health, he told me that he was very optimistic about going home by the end of this week. And that he was going to call me during that weekend. I told him briefly about stocks and he said that he was going to teach me some stock trades. At the end of our conversation, I told him that I love him and his famous words “I love you more.” When I got home, I had my dinner and hang out with my housemates. That was the day, I last spoke to my dad. I think about him every day and I hope he approves on how I have been handling with all of this legal process, my mental process, and what I wanted to do in LIFE. 

The picture in this post was taken by someone in the same area where my dad lived on the very day that I last spoke to him. 

The Long Delay

It looks like I am back but I am not sure it will be an everyday thing. A lot of things had happened since my last blog post.

First, My mother passed away last month on March 20th, 2025 when I got a phone call from the police department where she lives. The story goes that some senior living department down there called my mom several times and she didn’t answer the phone. So they called the police and when they got there, they found her dead. The local police officer had told me what had happened. The officer told me that they took the body to the funeral home. The funeral home didn’t call me for days, and I was a little bit concerned. I tried to get a hold of my brother, we both have the same mother and different fathers. He doesn’t have a cellphone and he is homeless. The other thing I learned about my brother about two or three years ago when my mother told me that my brother was diagnosed with bipolar. At first, he was doing some treatments but it seems like the plan fell apart for him and now currently, he doesn’t take anything for his bipolar. So finally, I called the police officer and asked him for a phone number from the funeral home that my mom was in. So from there, I took care of all of the arrangements. Today, April 17th, 20235 … my mother was buried in her town where she had resided for twenty plus years. She got her wish as being cremated as well. I didn’t go down there because it was too much for me to bear with four family members passed away in the span of three years.

Second, With the advise of my mother when she was alive, my friends, and a stranger told me that it would be BEST for me not to help my brother. When I tried to reach my brother, he had deactivated his Facebook account. I made a small post on Facebook that my mother passed away. Apparently I was friends with one of my brother’s friends. He got a hold of me and I told him what happened. My mom was the only source that my brother can reach out to. A few days later, he messaged me and asking me for money. I completely ignored his request and hoping that he would get the message. I asked my brother about anything of my mom’s final wishes like being cremated or being buried. He and I were on the same page that my mom would like to be cremated. So I told the funeral home what my mother’s final wishes were. I got a message from my brother about wanting money. I was in the bind and not knowing what to say in a simple term fashioned or words in his level. So I called my financial advisor and he gave me some advice on wordings and he was a good listener to me. So about an hour after that phone called, I messaged my brother on Facebook, and simply told him that he needs to take care of himself, and that I can’t give him any money. He was pissed. He went on and on about how selfish I was. I figured that his bipolar talking. In other words, he told me to go fuck myself. I figured he would said something like that. I completely ignored him and if he wants to to talk to me without needing any money, I am there for him on that. Something is odd about small towns, I am sure it because it the way it works for them. I got an email from the funeral home that they finally buried my mother. They sent me a picture and I asked them for a plot number so that I can relay the message to my brother. I told him in the Facebook Messenger, that our mom was cremated and buried. I gave him him the plot number. My brother replied back to me, go fuck yourself. I simply nodded and logged off Facebook.

Lastly, since my mother passed away, I tried to keep myself busy. I was doing some readings, did my family tree, played my games on my phone, watch old tv shows, old movies. I saw my therapist a few times. There were some nights where I stayed up until 230 in the morning and there some nights that I went to bed around midnight. I was in in a normal pace almost a year that my father passed away. It is going to be another hard climb for me to overcome with the death of my mother.

Thank you for your time reading this.

Hearing Aids, Glasses, and iPhone

Daily writing prompt
What are three objects you couldn’t live without?
View all responses

What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

Since I was born Deaf, my parents found out when I was about a year old due to not paying attention. My mother took me to the doctor and refer her to an audiologist. The audiologist told my mom that I am Deaf and hearing aids would be the best answer. I am almost 49 years old, and I have been wearing them for a long time. There were times where I didn’t have hearing aids for about a week or so, one of my college friends lost my hearing aids at Six Flags. It was a very tough week.

Second, my glasses, I am near-sighted, without them my eyes are blurry. I started wearing them when I was about twelve or thirteen years old. There times where I couldn’t find it but found it from either my family members or my friends. I have to keep it on, I usually put it aside when I am playing with my iPhone.

iPhone for me is a necessity for me to communicate in the hearing word due to my Deafness. I can use them to communicate, I can use them to benefit me through emails, taking notes between me and the hearing person. That had happened a lot during the COVID pandemic, where everyone was wearing masks. It benefits me by hearing them as well reading their lips.

Those are the three objects that I need to have in my life.

March 3rd …

A year ago on March 3rd, two things that took effect in my life moving  forward. 

One, the death of my Grandmother on my dad’s side of the family. She had a long life. At one point, I think my dad and I thought she might even reach her 100th birthday. The last year of her life was difficult for my dad in my terms of understanding after the death of my Father. For one, he had to take his mother to a nursing home because she couldn’t able to take care of herself ( physically and mentally ). I remember when I was under a lot of stress due to anxiety and depression, I asked my Father, on the state of my Grandmother, he told me that it been strenuous for him. I wish I knew more, and should have ask a lot of questions. I didn’t because I had to take care of myself. Around the beginning of December, I asked my Father for the address to the nursing home where my Grandmother was staying.  I got her a nice Christmas card. I wrote briefly telling her that I miss her and I love her. I hope she knows that today and forever.  The thing about my Grandmother was that she wanted togetherness between my Grandmother, My Father, and myself. She tried in challenging ways for all of us to be together. It had work in some ways, but at the end, it was almost friction between my Father and I.  At the end, I think she lived her life the way she wanted to be. She was loved by her Son, her Grandson, and many cousins around the Bay Area. 

Two, the decline health of my Father.  On March 4th, my Father called me and left a voicemail on my phone. I still have it in my cellphone. He called me about two things, one was the death of my Grandmother, and that he is in the hospital due to gall bladder removal.  At the end of the message, he mentioned to me that he will call me when he gets better. I texted him, and told him that I was sorry to hear about the death of my Grandmother and I wish him a speedy recovery. I called my father later that week, he didn’t answer it but I left him a message and told him that I was thinking of him and told him that I loved him. He was in and out of the hospital from March until his death in May. I wish I knew more and I wish I had done something more to help my dad. I think my Father was trying to cover as  much as possible for me not knowing that he was dying. And that he was trying to get everything organized as possible for me and his girlfriend without any hassling through legal channels. There been some hassling through legal channels but lucky enough that it gone smoothly as much as possible. 


Dad, I wish you had told me more. It is okay, because I love you. And I know you love me as well. 

The Day After …

Sometimes when we do our usual habits for instance, waking up, having breakfast, doing things that we normally do during the daylight], watching documentaries, making dinner, and of course sleeping.  One day, all the sudden your life about to change due to anxiety, depression, and deaths in the family, it definitely changed your habits than what you normally do yesterday, last week, last three months, etc.  It is and still pain in the ass for me. I miss my old habits but it is not the same. I am sure majority of the people who reading my blog would remember two Sunday ago that we all watched the Super Bowl. In the old days, I usually call my Dad after the game and talk about it. Two Sundays ago, I didn’t talk to anyone about it expect for my friends that lives with me. It is not the same. The other day, I was on Facebook, and I saw something really interesting about my Aunt’s hometown, and I wanted to call my Aunt but I can’t. How am I supposed to say it? How am I supposed to share it? Would someone cares if I share it? Those are the things we aren’t prepared for on The Day After. Are we supposed to teach our future generations on the topic of The Day After and what that supposed to mean for all of us dealing with our turn of major events of our lives. 

Anxietates, Tristitia, et Tres Mortes

The title stands for in Latin, Anxiety, Depression, and Three Deaths. Around September of 2023, I called my father about the house roof. Since my dad is the landlord, and living in another state at that time.  He got me a roofer to come a looked at it. While the roofer was on the site, my neighbor and a friend of my dad came by to see if I needed any help. I told him no. Without my knowledge, my neighbor took some pictures of the house and send it to my dad. My dad called me and he was upset. He wasn’t happy with the house. He told me something like I need to fix some things around the house. I got the message from my dad. I didn’t tell my housemates at that time. When October came, he got an email from his house insurance agent. A while back, I can’t remember when, but I took some pictures around the house and yard and submitted to his house insurance agent. He wasn’t happy about it. The list was long and painful for me to go through in my own mind. On top of that, my Aunt in Alabama, was coming in and out of the hospital while she was living in the nursing home. I got so many calls from nursing home staffs about the conditions of my Aunt’s health. My mind was too much to bear with so many decisions in my plate. My mind was shot high with anxiety, and feeling like I was stuck in deep mud that I can’t get out of it. Those feelings at that time, lead me to suicidal ideation. At first, I went to psych ward, and I told one of the counselor what going on with me. They told me that they can’t admit me without the approval of my doctor. I was so disappointed and mad. I was trying to figure out the next step. My mind decided that I need to see a doctor. So I went to the doctor office, I told the office assistant that I need to see my doctor and that I was having suicidal thoughts. They told me to sit by the waiting area. One of the therapist came to me and asked me what going on. I was talking so low and she couldn’t hear me. So she took me to her office. Once I was in her office, I spoke up and shared my anxiety, and my depression. We spoke for about an hour or two. I wasn’t able to track of time. At the end, she asked me if I needed to go to psych ward.  There was a code for it, I can’t remember what it was. So they took me to the hospital psych ward. I gave up everything in my possession and changed clothes. The night there was so cold and I was sleeping in and out probably every three to four hours. I had three different psych nurses asking me the same questions. When the third one came, and asked me the same question, they change the wording but I get the message. I pretty much answered the same questions.  The day after,  one of nurses told me that they are transferring me to another location, the same location that I went in the first place and the one that told me that I needed to see my doctor about it. I was in that place for twenty-four hours. During that time, I spoke to two different therapists and spoke to two different babysitters ( I don’t know what to call them but they were keeping an eye on me and two other people).  We all share the same dinner, breakfast, and lunch during that twenty-four hour span. During the night, I was woken up by some strange dream and it felt like it was so real. I had a hard time breathing  and I got up and went to area and sat down, and trying to compose my breathing. One of the nurses came up to me and asked me what was going on. I told her what had happened and that I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t do that. She told me that she will try to call the doctor and will give me an answer soon. My eyes were wide, and I got my breathing under control.  Within forty-five minutes after the conservation with the nurse, she told me that she couldn’t get a hold of the doctor and recommend hot chamomile tea.  I took my time drinking my hot tea and managed to go to sleep.  One of the nurses woke me up to tell me that breakfast was ready.  One of the nurses told me that they go a hold of the doctor, and received small dosage of Ativan. It really help me through my day. I was told that they are taking me to a rehab home for people that suffering from major mental relapse.  One of the rehab person came over and talked to me about my history and how I am mentally. About an hour and half after that, she told me that she is taking me to the mental rehab home. When she took me there, the place looks familiar due to me riding the bike around the neighborhood in the past. 

I spent a month in the rehab home. There were so many different things going on while I was in there. The three major events that was happening while I was living there.  One, I have to learn how to take my meds for my anxiety and depression. And I am still taking them to this day. Two, one day, I had major headache that was affecting my left eye. I went to ER and saw an ER doctor. He told me that I needed to see an eye doctor and gave me the number to the eye doctor.  The headache was gone but my left eye was blurring. I had to wait for five days to see the eye doctor. On the day, I saw the eye doctor, he checked my left eye and told me that I need to see an eye surgeon.  So I saw an eye surgeon that same day.  The eye surgeon wanted to do surgery on my eye the next day. I told him that it wasn’t going to happened because I am still at the mental rehab home. He told me that I can have the surgery once I get home from the rehab. And last of all, I had to make three phone calls, I called my dad, I told him what was going on and what was the next step for me especially after my eye surgery.  We had a good conversation  and sounded like he willing to support me whenever I can. The last two calls, were to my housemates, they are family to me, we lived in the same house for almost fourteen years now. I told them what was going on and I told them that I needed little help after my eye surgery. They were mad at me and I understand that. They understand where I am coming from.  There is a guy at the rehab home, he is not therapist or counselor, he just helps around with people that needed transportation, he helped me a lot. I wont forget his kindness and being there for me. I spent my last night there on Thanksgiving. The day after, I went home, in the afternoon.  From there, I knew it will be a long climb up back to normalcy. The week after Thanksgiving, I had surgery on my left eye, what I had was retina detachment. The first week was major pain in the butt. 

December was hard for me. While still recovering from my eye surgery, the money wasn’t coming in from the State Unemployment. So I emailed my Aunt’s lawyer and her banker to help me with the funds. I am glad that my aunt and my grandmother had set up some funds for me for a future incident like this. On the day that I received one of the most devastated news in my life. My Aunt passed away.  I remembered like it was yesterday. I woke up early to get ready to go back to work for the first time since my mental relapse. I was gone from work for about a month and half since I counted that I couldn’t go back earlier due to my eye surgery. I got an email from my Aunt’s banker and she tole me the news. For a moment, I called my Aunt’s banker just to double check. The words were so true. It really screw my heart so hard. I cried for long time. After that, I called a lot of people and told them the news. I told my Dad about it.  He was sad to hear it but he wanted me to climb over the strongest / highest mountains as possible to be able to move on with my life. I told my mom ( her sister ) and she told me that my aunt was in a lot of pain and she was happy that she was in peace now. I was late for work, I took public transportation.  When I got to work, my store manager was in conference call, so I told my floor manager, and she asked me if I wanted to go home. I told her no, and that I needed the money.  I couldn’t fly out there due to my eye being in the gas bubble and so forth.  Christmas was hard for me. It was pretty low key. I got my dad a card, my grandmother a card ( my dad’s mom ) and my mom a card. I got some presents for my housemates.  My dad got me a hoodie. 

January of 2024,  my dad and I had a little argument but it wasn’t worth it for me but it was for him. Because he needed some things from me. I told him when the time comes right and when I work more and more, he would get his funds.  The funds from Alabama came during the end of January. I paid all of my bills. Thanks to my job that I only paid 20 percent of my eye surgery. At that time, at the end of January, the gas bubble was gone and I could see clearly for the first time since the middle of November.  My dad and I talk once a week, usually on Sunday after I get off from work. It been a routine for both of us. 

February was long, and had to exchanged emails between my Aunt’s lawyer and banker. They told me it going to be a long process to deal with estates matter. I told them that I wasn’t in no hurry with those matters. 

Early March was not good for my dad. My dad’s mom, my grandmother, passed away peacefully in a nursing home in Central California. The last few years of her life, she doesn’t remember who everyone was and when she passed, she was ninety-six years old. At the same time, my dad went to the hospital for gall bladder surgery. It was a day apart when this event happens . I tried to call him as much as I could in once a week basis but it wasn’t suited for my dad, for him dealing with surgery of gall bladder and the death of his mother.  He was in and out of the hospital in March, April and the beginning of May. 

April was my dad’s birthday month. Like I stated in the previous paragraph, my calls with him was hard. I managed to get him a birthday card and a book. I always give him books for his birthday, father’s day, and Christmas. We had a good talk on his birthday but it wasn’t long talk. 

During January, February, March, April and early May, I wasn’t working as much I used to.  One was that I told my boss that I don’t want to work a lot due to my mental health and dealing with bankers and lawyers for my Aunt..  I am telling you, time zone can be an ass. 

May wasn’t a good month for me.  The first Sunday of May, I called my dad, after my usual work schedule.  We had a good conversation, we talked about stocks, and baseball  He also told me that he was very optimistic about going home at the end of the week. He stated that he would call me that weekend and he wanted to talk to me about some things.  That Thursday, I got a phone text from work, they told me that one of my relatives was looking for to get in hold with me.  I got in touch with him and also I got in touch with my dad’s girlfriend, they told me that my dad had a brain bleed and it wasn’t look good. So I was in the next town over, I went home by train. When I got home, I told my housemates about what was going on and they told me that I need to see my dad. So I made hotel reservations and got a train ticket to see him. I told my dad’s girlfriend what my plan was and when I get there.  I called work and told them that I cant work that weekend due to a family emergency. It was a long trip, first the bus then train. It took me about eight hours total with an hour wait at the train station. I texted a lot of people. When I got there, my dad’s girlfriend picked me up and went straight to the hospital.  When I got to his room, my dad passed away.  I missed it by an hour.  I cried for long time and I was alone with him in the room. I talked and talked with him. When I went to the lobby, I met one of my cousins. We had a good talk. My’ dad girlfriend wasn’t in the right mind to take me to the hotel. So my cousin took me there.  I told everyone, that my dad passed away. It was the longest weekend of my life.  I wanted to go back home the next day but the hotel I was staying told me that I would have to fork over another two hundred bucks. I wasn’t amuse about it. Saturday, my dad’s girlfriend picked me up to take to their house. I looked around and picked up some stuff that I wanted to take it home with me. She told me about the condo that my grandmother was living in before she moved to the nursing home. That my dad was in the process of selling the condo, and that fell into my plate. I called work and told them that my dad died and I won’t be back in town until Monday evening. I was supposed to go back to work that Wednesday.  I knew I had a lot of plate going on but this time it was a little bit easier because of the meds that I took and knowing how to keep myself calm in the best of my ability to handle those terms. 

At the end of June, I managed to sell the condo with the help of the real estate agent that my dad talked to.  I got a lawyer to help me with probate of my dad’s, my grandmother’s and my grandmother’s estate.  

Right now of 2025 of February,  the probate is almost over for my dad’s. My grandmother’s and her estate was over around September of 2024. I see the lawyer once a month to keep up to date with all the matters of my grandmother and my dad.  For me I see a therapist once a week on FaceTime.  It is been very helpful. 

There will be more stories about this in this blog in the time to come …